#PersonalEntry on being emotionally drained, possibly a quarter-life crisis, taking self-love seriously and doing something for yourself.

Artwork by Ed Hodgkinson 

Ever felt like you’re emotionally depleted?

Like you’re just exhausted from everything and everyone.

I’ve been going through a rough time…
Years of dizzying amounts of self-critiscm, blame, guilt, shame and getting stuck in a victim mentality.

And these last few weeks I’ve been feeling the heaviest. It’s taking it’s toll and I’m coming up on empty.

I can’t sleep and when I do, I stay asleep for 10-11 hours and when I wake up I still feel exhausted. I’ve been experiencing sleep paralysis and accompanying it, always visiting me are negative entities; the last one, 4 creepy yellowish-brownish hands were trying to reach my arm or head from my window on the left side of my bed and I couldn’t move or scream (exciting times).

I’ve been mostly unmotivated to write or do anything at all. Even walking my dogs – I’d have to drag my feet out the door. I also haven’t left my house for more than 2 months now.

I’ve been feeling so much negative emotions, too. I’m short tempered most days; my anger shoots up too fast. I’m more self-conscious than ever and I haven’t really been wanting to see or talk to anyone.

I also get into emotional breakdowns more and more… And I’ve only attended 2 yoga classes for almost 3 weeks.

I just learned a few weeks ago that I am an empath. Empaths are people who absorb energies and emotions from everyone around them. And have an innate ability to intuitively feel and perceive others.

– I have always felt the suffering of others especially the people closest to me or is around me, like it was my own. And I have always been ‘too emotional’; I couldn’t quite understand why I was in physical pain when my feelings were hurt.

I never noticed before but I would absorb energies and emotions around me; and it would leave me feeling so confused. I was happy and bubbly one moment then feeling depressed the next. Or if I have been talking to someone with so much negative energy it would take me quite a while to notice why I have been feeling so heavy and on edge for a couple of days.

Another thing would be that I would always want to make other people happy and put their happiness before my own; I used to think that if they’re happy then I would be happy.

But lately, I think I’ve come to a point where I am close to shutting down and I just want to run away. It made me realize what I have been doing isn’t healthy and it’s draining me to my core… And I started noticing how bad it’s been for the people I love, too… even if I want to love them with all my heart, I still could but I end up asking for more love in return.

A couple of the videos I watched on Empaths mentions how burn outs can happen especially if you’re giving yourself away too much and you start to blend yourself with other people; not honoring yourself and your soul and constantly neglecting self-care and self-love.

Being so busy with everyone else’s emotions and wanting to take care of everyone; I completely forgot to send love my way and I have never known how to practice true self-care and to make things worse: I was expecting my loved ones to do that job for me – to fill me with love, unconditional love. And when they couldn’t do what I expected, I’d get hurt, breakdown and hurt them in return (unfair, very selfish and self-centered – if I’m being completely honest with myself).

I feel like it’s the worst burn out I’ve had ever since my parents has passed away.

So… I finally made the decision to take self-love, self-care, self-acceptance and self-compassion seriously. The only problem was that I had no idea where to start…

No matter the positive thoughts I put in my head and positive affirmations I tell myself, I still find myself wallowing on the ground- somehow refusing to get up and face life.

Yoga hasn’t been helping me like it used to and writing has been hard as I have been creatively stuck and unmotivated. But I know I want to heal all the trauma and wounds inside me so I could stop having the victim mentality, so I could start the process of self-acceptance and self-love… and I wanted to travel and get out even for a few days… I needed to clear my head and to process things on my own. Plus, I was turning 25 in 2 months and I’m starting to think that I’m also experiencing quarter-life crisis (at it’s finest).

I have been dreaming of seeing Cambodia but I have always been reluctant on traveling by myself- didn’t have the courage, I guess. But as I was browsing the internet a couple of weeks ago I found a spiritual healing center in Cambodia. And I immediately knew I NEEDED TO GO.

I booked my plane tickets and the retreat. I’ll be leaving in 2 weeks.

I will blog about my experience throughout the 8 day spiritual healing program and hope with all my heart that it helps me have the courage to start taking the reins and change my life.

Danny Vinyard, at the end of American History X, writes on his essay how his brother Derek says it’s always good to end a paper with a quote as he says someone else has already said it best and if you can’t top it, just steal from them and go out strong. And so Danny ends his essay with a quote – which I’ll just do the same here

& So, I’ll end this with…

“The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it’s not. It is an existential truth: only those people who are capable of being alone are capable of love, of sharing, of going into the deepest core of another person–without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other. They allow the other absolute freedom, because they know that if the other leaves, they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other, because it is not given by the other.”

-Osho 🍧💧

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